Dear Diary
by simplymondler
Summary: A diary should be private, somewhere to record your most personal thoughts about life and secret crushes. You don't expect your secret crush to read your secret diary...cliched Mondler oneshot.


Dear Diary...

Set late season 4.

* * *

"I still don't think we should be snooping around in here," Chandler protested, hands in his pants' pockets as he leant against the bedroom wall, watching but not participating in the criminal activity that was currently going on around him, "Monica will be home soon, why can't you just wait?"

"Because, she won't tell us if we ask," Rachel told him, rolling her eyes as if the answer was obvious.

"Exactly," Chandler protested, watching disapprovingly as the others continued to rummage through Monica's things.

"Quit preaching and help us already," Phoebe insisted as she looked under the bed. "Or we won't share when we find them. They have to be here somewhere! They definitely aren't in the kitchen so where else would she hide them?"

Chandler muttered something under his breath, shaking his head, not moving from his spot. He wanted no part in this.

"Oooh oh oh!" Joey cried excitably as he pulled something from Monica's top drawer.

"Did you find them?" Rachel asked rushing over to him, her mouth watering in anticipation

"Nope, something even better..." he singsonged.

"It better not be my sister's underwear," Ross singsonged back.

"No," Joey shook his head, "it's not that. It's her diary!"

"Give me that!" Rachel grabbed it, biting her lip as she studied the neat cover.

"You can't read her diary," Chandler protested from across the room. "That's private."

"We're her best friends," Phoebe dismissed easily, "She has no secrets from us."

"If she had no secrets, she wouldn't have a secret diary," Chandler pointed out exasperated. "Look, you came in here in search of cookies. Yummy cookies. Focus on them. Hunting through her things is bad enough, you can't seriously try and read her diary. Guys, back me up here?" He turned to the male occupants of the room for support.

"I used to read her diary all the time..." Ross noticed their looks, "when we were kids," he defended quickly. "It was pretty boring, mostly listed baked goods and stuff."

"I'm sure it will have more juicy stuff in it now," Rachel commented, obviously still eager.

"Oooh, maybe it will detail some girl-on-girl fantasies," Joey grinned dirtily, "open it."

"Don't open it," Chandler protested. "No good ever comes from reading other people's diaries."

"Since when were you so moral?" Phoebe questioned unimpressed, "It's just a quick peep, for crying out loud. Who knows, maybe it will mention something about her secret baking session last night? Rachel, read it."

He shook his head in disbelief wanting to stop them, like he had wanted to stop them from searching her room in the first place...but being out-numbered, it was pretty futile. He just hoped there'd be nothing _too_ private or embarrassing in there. If there was he'd try his best to get it away from them for Monica's sake.

"Ok," Rachel said, turning to the last entry quickly, "well, this is dated a couple of days ago...

 _I sat next to him again this evening. I sat as close as possible, resting my head against his shoulder, letting his scent surround me. Within moments his arm was over my shoulders as I hoped, pulling me closer to him. My hand innocently found his thigh and I closed my eyes. I let myself imagine that he felt the same way for a few long moments. Imagined that we were sitting like this because we were a couple. He brushed a light kiss to the top of my head and for just a second I considered lifting my head to try and capture those lips. To see, just once, if we have the chemistry that I suspect we'll have. The chemistry that I drive myself crazy thinking about._

 _But then reality hit me like it always does and I came to my senses. We're just friends. FRIENDS. Why can't I accept that? He doesn't see me like that and somehow I have to accept that._

 _And I will...just not today..._

Chandler swallowed hard as an uneasy feeling slowly spread through his body. _He_ had sat next to her a couple of nights ago. They had spent the evening watching some crappy film together, contentedly wrapped up in each others arms. He could feel his friends' eyes land on him as they slowly connected the dots, obviously coming to the same conclusion he had but he shook his head in denial.

"It isn't me," he insisted, though his gut was tightening painfully. He just prayed he was telling the truth.

No, it couldn't be him. Why would she like him? He was an insecure, irrational screw-up that sucked at relationships. She could have her choice of anyone. Why would she pick him?

Rachel's eyes finally left him to return back to the diary in her hands.

"Read another entry," Phoebe suggested, "It might mention a name."

Again, Phoebe looked at Chandler and he shifted uncomfortably but didn't protest. He desperately didn't want it to be him. Another entry might reveal that by some miracle, it was about another guy...but he knew it was unlikely. Things rarely went right for him.

"Ok," Rachel flipped back a few pages, a little more hesitant than she was before.

 _I was walking through the village and ran into him on his way home from work. I hadn't really planned it, it's not like I was stalking him or anything, but I had been secretly hoping that I'd bump into him. It's always nice to spend some time just the two of us, it's these moments I treasure the most._

 _As soon as he called my name butterflies started in my stomach. I mean it's ridiculous, I've known him going on 10 years yet I feel like a teenager around him sometimes – how does he do it to me? He was wearing a smart navy suit, some loud tie and his hair was all tousled in that way he's been doing lately that makes him look so cute and playful. The most gorgeous thing though was he had a huge smile on his face and his eyes had lit up and I liked to think that was because he saw me._

 _However, we stopped by the store and that's when my little bubble burst. We separated so he could go get his damn Yoohoos (that he seems addicted to at the moment) but when it was apparent he wasn't coming straight back I went in search of him...and I really wish I hadn't bothered. He was there chatting to this very pretty girl, he even got her phone number._

 _It sucks. Completely sucks. Why can't he like me? Why can't he see me as more than a friend?_

 _Although I am his friend. So, I did what a good friend should do and congratulated him and listened to him excitedly talk about her the rest of the way home. It hurt, I won't lie, it really hurt but I have to try and take some comfort in the fact that he was so happy and animated. At least I got to see that special smile of his._

 _I reminded myself repeatedly that I want him to be happy. If he doesn't like me, which he clearly doesn't, then as his friend I want him to find someone that makes him happy._

 _But why can't it be me?_

 _Why the hell did I have to fall in love with Chandler Bing?_

A heavy silence settled over the room as a heavy weight settled on Chandler's shoulders. This couldn't be happening. She was in love with him? Him? Oh this wasn't good. Really wasn't good. Couldn't ever be good.

"Oh god this is huge!" Phoebe acclaimed excitedly interrupting his internal panic, "but so exciting!"

"No it isn't," he said quickly, an edge to his voice that wasn't normally there. "Damn it, I told you no good ever came from reading other people's diaries."

They couldn't undo this, couldn't turn back time or erase their memories.

"What are you talking about?" Rachel asked clearly surprised,"It's so great and-"

They all heard the apartment door close. Rachel visibly panicked, thrusting the stolen goods at Joey who quickly stuffed it back into Monica's drawer, closing it just as she walked in. Monica froze mid-step, frowning in surprise at seeing them all in her bedroom.

"Hey, here you all are. What's going on?"

They all looked at each other wide-eyed.

"We were looking for your triple chocolate gooey cookies," Ross jumped in. Suddenly the original crime seemed so insignificant compared to the actual crime. "Rachel thought she heard you making them late last night so we went on a hunt."

"Damn it, I thought I'd been so quiet," Monica sighed, totally oblivious to the looks being shared around her. "Ok, yes I made them but they're for your birthday, Ross. You can't eat them before as I won't have time to make any more and then you'll whine that you don't have your favorite cookies on your birthday. Sorry, but they are remaining in hiding until tomorrow."

They all nodded sheepishly apart from Chandler who was staring at the carpet under his feet. He was trying to stop his racing thoughts but his head was reeling with its newly required knowledge. Phoebe had been right; this was huge.

"Now can you please leave my room, so I can get changed out of my work things? I don't want an audience."

"Yeah baby!" Joey grinned, receiving a glare from most of the others. "What?" he protested as he was shoved out of the room.

As soon as Monica's door closed behind them they all turned to Chandler who looked a little freaked, shaking his head as he muttered to himself.

"What are you going to do?" Rachel asked quickly. "Do you like her? Are you going to talk to her? Date her?"

"Oooh you should so do that!" Phoebe chimed in.

"No!" he snapped abruptly, "If she wanted me to know this she would have told me herself."

"Maybe she was worried about telling you?" Ross suggested thoughtfully, "She clearly likes you. Do you not like her?"

"It's your sister Ross," he hissed incredulous, feeling liked he'd stepped into some weird twilight zone.

"So what?" Ross shrugged, instantly dismissing his argument,"she likes you and you'd be good to her. You'd suit each other."

"What?" Chandler asked more than a little disturbed.

"Yeah," Phoebe joined in, "you'd be so cute together."

"Totally," Rachel agreed. "Aww this is so exciting. You have to talk to her."

"No I don't!" he insisted both panicked and frustrated. "Just..." he shook his head unable to find any words, his mind moving too quickly for him to catch hold of any useful vocabulary.

Monica's bedroom door suddenly opened and everyone went quiet again.

"What's going on?" she queried with a frown. "Wait...are you still plotting to find those cookies?" Immediately they all nodded, latching onto the ready-made excuse. "Well you won't find them, I hid them very well. Now who wants dinner?"

As various mumbles of approval went around the group Chandler remained silent, his eyes downcast as his mind continued spinning frantically, taunting him. He was aware of the others staring at him, their eyes drilling into him and he didn't like the attention, couldn't stand it.

He had to get out of there.

"You ok, Chandler?" Monica asked, walking towards him.

Crap. He could feel his friends watching them even more intently as she made contact with his arm. It was as if he could feel their desperation, feel them urging him to grab hold of her and kiss her and announce his undying love for her. It wasn't going to happen. Trying to ignore them completely and focus on the pretence that he was 'fine' he forced himself to look into her warm concerned eyes.

"Uh, yeah," he swallowed, trying to ignore the thoughts screaming at the forefront of his mind. She liked him, she liked him, she liked him...he needed to escape. "I'm fine," he offered her a fake smile, hoping it didn't come off too much as a grimace as he quickly pulled away from her touch. "I've just gotta uh," he gestured towards the door, trying his hardest to ignore her disappointed look. "See ya later."

With that pathetic excuse he followed his natural instincts and fled to apartment 19, slamming the door closed and resting his elbows on the fooseball table as he covered his face with his hands and groaned.

Why did she have to have feelings for him? Why did she have to go and complicate everything? They were fine as they were, great even. She was a good friend, his best friend and he loved her, he did, but as a friend. He confided in her about anything, everything and he'd never had that in a friendship before. He couldn't lose her or her friendship, not ever and that's what always happened when romantic feelings were thrown into the mix.

Everything would change and eventually get ruined. It always failed, the relationship would end horribly and the friendship would be destroyed, ripped apart in the process.

"Hey man," He lifted his head to see his roommate looking at him hesitantly. "You ok?"

"Sure, why not," he shrugged as he stood up. "No biggie, right? I mean, I just found out my best friend is massively in love with me and I didn't even notice, showing how good a friend I must be to her. And now it's going to be weird between us and never be normal again."

Joey blinked. "Wanna play a little fooseball...to take your mind off this?"

Chandler let out a puff of air in surprise, rewarding him with a genuine smile. As much as Monica seemed to always know what he needed, Joey was pretty good at it too, "Yeah, thanks."

They played in silence, the little plastic men endlessly kicking around the little plastic ball, allowing Chandler's mind to try and get to grips with the revelation, to try and wrap his head around the fact that someone like Monica could like someone like him.

"What do I do?" he finally asked, his voice quiet, laced with a hint of vulnerability.

"What do you wanna do?" Joey countered evenly.

He swallowed, shaking his head,"I can't ever date her, Joe," Chandler said softly.

"Why not?" he frowned, "She's hot, a nice person and clearly into you. You aren't going to do better."

"It's not that," Chandler tried to explain. "Of course it's not that. She's an amazing person, gorgeous inside and out- she's the whole package. Anyone would want to be with her."

"Then what's stopping you?"

"I," he scrubbed a hand through his hair, the game abandoned as he started to pace, "I don't do well at relationships, I never have. You know that. They never end well, I always do something to mess it all up. I find faults that aren't there, I push them back to their ex-husbands or into the arms of co stars with giant nipples."

"Chandler, they weren't your fault," Joey insisted, trying to get his roommate to see reason,"And what have they got to do with Monica? She wouldn't cheat on you with an ex husband or a co star with giant nipples – she doesn't have either."

"It has everything to do with Monica," he said quietly. "When I screw up a relationship she's the one I turn too. Where do I go if she's the relationship I've ruined? And you know I would, it's inevitable, it would only be a matter of time before I did something. Then I'd lose her completely. I can't stand the thought of her being upset and heartbroken because of me and something stupid I did. I can't put her through that."

"So, it's not that you don't _want_ to date her, it's that you're _afraid_ too?"

Chandler frowned at his friend, that was a little too insightful for Joey.

"I love her to pieces as a friend," he tried to explain. "She's very attractive and once every now and again I've appreciated that, especially at the start but I've never considered dating her. I can't. This is Monica. She wants marriage and children and a dependable husband. She wants a younger version of Richard and I'm not that. I'm not anything like that and I can't ruin our friendship by getting into a relationship that I know is destined to fail. Nothing's worth that."

"Look, it's a lot for you to take in, I get that," Joey promised, "but don't be so hasty about this, it's a big decision and you can't be sure it will end badly."

"My track record says otherwise."

"Your track record doesn't include Monica," Joey shrugged simply. "Look, ignore the others, don't let them pressure you into anything you don't want but you need to think about this a little more before you dismiss it completely. There's always been something between the two of you."

"What?" he screwed his face up unconvinced. "No there hasn't."

"There's some kind of connection there, hell when I first moved in and she turned down my lemonade I thought you two were dating. Rachel did too when she joined the group. You are _so_ close to one another that you come off as a couple."

Chandler shook his head, unconvinced, "We're close as we're friends."

"Which is great," Joey reassured him, "really it is, but consider the possibility that it could be something more."

"Why?" he asked, frowning. "Why can't I just leave everything how it is? I like how it is."

"I know, but you'll be gutted if you suddenly realize you like her years from now and she's happily married with the dependable, younger version of Richard," Joey paused, letting his words sink in. "Just promise me you'll think about this?"

Slowly Chandler nodded, contemplating his friend's words. Should he consider this despite the incredible likelihood that he could destroy everything between them?

"Wanna go see if dinner is ready?" Joey suggested lightly and Chandler nodded again, his mind still on his current dilemma.

He took a step towards the door and then paused, turning back to his friend.

"I know you think I'm being overly dramatic about this, but look at Kip and Monica, look at Ross and Rachel. Hell, look at half the characters in Dallas. Friends dating end in disaster."

"Not always," Joey corrected him softly, clapping his shoulder as he moved passed him, "Come on, dinner smells good and I'm hungry."

Chandler sighed before reluctantly following him out of the apartment. Maybe if he pretended everything was normal than eventually it would be...

* * *

A few days had passed since the diary incident and it wasn't going well, not at all. It was awkward and uncomfortable and Chandler didn't like it. He sat alone on the orange couch downing a much needed cup of coffee, his hands gripping the warm mug like his life depended on it. Unsurprisingly sleep had been eluding him these last few nights and right now he welcomed the miracle of caffeine to keep him functioning.

"Hi Chandler."

He groaned inwardly as Phoebe and Rachel entered the coffeeshop, sitting either side of him, trapping him. He'd managed to avoid being alone with them up until now and really wasn't looking forward to the interrogation.

"So..." Phoebe prompted.

He looked over his mug at her, "So what?"

"Chandler!" Rachel protested, "Talk to us. What are you going to do about Monica?"

"Oh...nothing," he took another sip of his drink as the girls shared a look over his head.

"You won't at least talk to her? Tell her you know?" Phoebe asked to which he shook his head.

"No, there's no point."

He didn't like those kind of conversations and he was being truthful- what was the point? He knew he couldn't enter a relationship with her, so talking about it wouldn't be a pleasant experience for either of them. It would make things even more awkward and uncomfortable than they were now.

"No point?" Rachel asked surprised. "Seriously? But you could be so good together."

"No we couldn't," he shot back.

"So you don't like her that way?" Phoebe seemed surprised. "I thought you've always had a soft spot for her. Maybe even a little crush?"

"I don't like her that way," he insisted, trying to end the discussion.

"Not even a little bit?" Rachel pried. "Come on, Chandler, at least think about this, you could make her so happy."

"No I wouldn't Rach," he sighed softly, shaking his head in denial. He slowly placed down his mug as he tried to find the best way to explain his reasoning without revealing his insecurities. "I'm no good at relationships. I might make her happy for a few months but then I'd do something and it would be over and she'd be unhappy. In fact she'd be devastated, heart broken and cursing my name and the fact we ever got involved with each other."

"Chandler-"

"Then you'd be left looking after a crying Monica as I packed my bags. I'd have to relocate somewhere like Yemen and come to terms with the fact that none of you ever want to see me again."

"That wouldn't happen."

"How do you know that? Seriously, how can either of you know that?" His question was met with silence and he sighed heavily. "I'm just being realistic here, somebody has to be. It wouldn't work. Besides we only read two entries. Maybe she's got crushes on lots of other guys and I'm just one of them. Or, maybe she's already given up on me and found someone else. Or maybe it isn't what we all think..."

"Wanna go upstairs and read some more?" Phoebe asked.

"No," he shook his head, he didn't want to read any more uncomfortable entries about how she felt about him. About how his actions had unintentionally hurt her. "I'm gonna go, I'll see you guys later."

With that he left the coffee shop and headed for the safety of his own apartment, needing to get away from their disappointed faces.

It wasn't fair. He wasn't the one that had started it and yet he was getting the blame for not giving everyone the happy ever after they expected.

It never finished happily ever after. Why was it only him that saw that?

* * *

A few more nights passed by and he still wasn't sleeping well. He'd made his decision, knew he wasn't going to talk to her about this or risk dating her, so why was it still haunting him? Why was _she_ still haunting him? The little sleep he did get were dreams filled with Monica, or more precisely him and Monica which caused him to wake up confused and frustrated.

His conscious mind understood and accepted his reasoning, so why couldn't his unconscious mind? She was too important to him to gamble.

With a sigh Chandler glanced at his bedside clock. It was still early but he decided it was almost a reasonable enough hour to get up and shower. Maybe that would help wake him up? Make him feel refreshed and able to face another day?

Then he could go over to the girls' apartment to chill. Despite everything going on he was desperately trying to keep things normal. He was still going around there all the time, like before, even if he had stepped back a bit.

As he stood under the shower stream he admitted that he had consciously pulled away from her. He avoided snuggling with her, tried to sit in a different seat to her whether it was at Central Perk or one of their apartments. He didn't want her to get any mixed messages or have the others study him and analyze every touch or embrace. He still joined in with everything else, still tried to joke with her but he just avoided anything that seemed 'coupley'.

Just until it all went back to normal. Which it would. Which it had too.

Showered, changed but in no way refreshed, he made his way over to apartment 20. No one was in the purple living room which was to be expected at this hour but he was surprised to hear the shower running. Shrugging, he switched on the television and collapsed heavily onto the couch.

A few minutes later the bathroom door opened to reveal Monica wearing just a towel. He swallowed, offering her a wave, trying to resist letting his eyes run down the curves of her body. She was attractive, he found her attractive but that wasn't up for debate. She was gorgeous and he knew that but that wasn't the problem here.

Joey's earlier words came back to him, was he just afraid? Would he feel like he'd missed his opportunity? Was it fair on her though, to risk what they had when he knew how bad at relationships he truly was? No, he couldn't do that to her.

He just had to accept the fact that he was going to be like Mr Heckles and die alone and bitter.

"You're up early," Monica commented casually, not leaving the room to get dressed like he'd hoped.

"Yeah, I uh couldn't sleep," he murmured as his traitorous eyes ran up and down her body without permission. "Nice towel by the way."

"Thanks," she smiled, "I feel a little under-dressed though," she gestured towards his work suit teasingly. "I didn't know there was a dress code before 5.30am."

"It's one of those rarely known facts," he quipped, "just be relieved that not only am I aware of it, I also stuck to it, otherwise we'd be wearing the same outfit right about now," it was meant to be a joke but seeing something, possibly desire, flash in Monica's eyes caused him to quickly look away, silently berating himself.

"I think I could live with that," she said quietly before obviously clearing thoughts of a towel-clad Chandler from her mind. "I, uh better go change into something that fits the dress code."

"Sure," he croaked, waiting until she had left before covering his face in his hands. Why was this so horrible? Why couldn't they just go back to how they were, where he could hug her when she was wearing nothing but a towel and not even think about it.

Getting up he grabbed a glass of OJ and flicked on the kettle for her out of habit, knowing she'd want coffee at this time in the morning. He settled at the kitchen table, no risk of cuddles there and waited. It wasn't long until she came back out, fully dressed and with a bright smile on her face which he couldn't help but try and return.

"How come you aren't sleeping great at the moment?" Monica asked making herself the hot drink, nodding her thanks as she joined him. "And I don't mean just tonight. It's been all week. What's going on with you?"

He knew he shouldn't be surprised that she'd noticed but he was and worse, he wasn't prepared with an excuse.

"Oh...just stuff on my mind," he admitted, trying to play it down. "You're up early?"

"I'm on the breakfast shift," she shrugged easily, "And don't change the subject, Mr. Come on, what's bugging you?"

Naturally she reached out a hand and with only a moment's hesitation he took it. Her touch instantly seemed to soothe him, calm part of his inner turmoil as her thumb started to stroke his skin. He looked down, watching their hands for a moment as the realization of how much he'd missed her this last week hit him; he'd missed her touches and just being near her, physically close to her. He risked a quick glance at her face and as expected she looked concerned, caring and a warmth spread through him.

He couldn't tell her everything, no way but maybe it would help to say something? She was so good at advice and wanted to help him and he desperately needed that right now. He could mention part of the problem, or something near to it and if it got too close for comfort he could make up an excuse to leave...

"I've been thinking about Kathy and how all my relationships seem to fail," he confessed, watching carefully as she jerked surprised. Whatever she'd been expecting it obviously hadn't been that.

"Oh, what brought this on? I thought you were pretty much over her?"

"I am," he said quickly, not wanting her to get hurt by thinking he still had feelings for his ex. He really didn't. "I just saw her and Nick together the other day and it got me thinking how I screwed up," he lied.

"You didn't screw up," she defended him instantly, her hand squeezing his. "Chandler, what happened with Kathy wasn't your fault, you can't seriously blame yourself still? She cheated on you."

"Because I had a freak out," he admitted, looking down again at their joint hands. "I flipped out, pulled a Chandler and accused her of cheating when she wasn't."

"But then she did," Monica pointed out passionately. "Nothing gave her the right to do that, not after a fight. If she tried to use you as an excuse for that then she's in the wrong. It's all on her."

"If I hadn't accused her she wouldn't have done it."

"You don't know that," Monica insisted, getting out of her chair and walking the couple of steps to him to wrap her arms around him in a half hug. Part of him tried to point out that this was a bad idea and he needed to break out of the embrace but the larger part of him welcomed it, needed the comfort that only she could offer. "She should never have done that to you, Chandler. It doesn't matter what someone accuses you of, you don't go and prove them right."

She stroked his hair and against better judgement he allowed himself to lean into the caress ever-so-slightly.

"Yeah?" he finally whispered.

"Yeah," she promised softly. "So, you're a little insecure about relationships, after the example your parents set and what Janice did to you of course you're going to be insecure. Things got serious with Kathy and you opened yourself up and got scared. She should have been prepared for that possibility. She should expect that maybe you'd freak out at some stage, most people do but she should never have fuelled that insecurity, never added to it.

"After your fight she should have let you both cool down and then talked about it. I understand her being angry, hurt even that you'd accused her but she should have let you apologized or demanded an explanation. If she'd done that, actually talked to you she'd have been able to get to the bottom of it, understand what was going on and realize that Joey had put stupid thoughts into that thick head of yours.

"Then she should have reassured you that she wasn't cheating, and you would have apologized lots and reassured her that you didn't really mean it and the two of you would have made up and moved on and become stronger for it."

"Wow," he blinked and she chuckled, self-consciously, pulling away from him.

"Sorry if that was too much," she smiled sheepishly. "But it had to be said, you're my best friend Chandler and you need to understand how pretty incredible you are. No relationship ever goes perfectly, both people have to work at it and anyone lucky enough to be with you needs to appreciate you and accept your insecurities. Everyone has quirks and baggage, and yours is sometimes you freak out about commitment and things but don't let it ever put you off trying a relationship. There's always bumps along the way but he right relationship is worth the hard work."

He swallowed, eventually breaking eye contact and contemplating the table surface. If she'd told him that last week he would have blushed, and thanked her for being such a great friend. Now though he could hear the secret meanings shouting out at him and it greatly confused him.

He'd been so adamant that he couldn't ever enter into a relationship with her because he'd screw it up. But here she was, saying that she'd already prepared herself for that and was ready for any potential freak outs. Not only did she expect it but she accepted it and knew how to get over them. He couldn't believed she'd already factored that into everything and still wanted to be with him.

His head was starting to hurt.

"Thanks Mon," he finally said, looking up and flashing her a quick smile. "That's helped, now if you excuse me I might try to lie down for another hour. Have a good shift."

"Thanks Chandler," he felt her eyes follow him to the door, "and I meant it. Don't blame yourself for what she did. You're a damn good person and she didn't deserve you."

He swallowed and nodded, not trusting his voice as he escaped back to the sanctuary of his bedroom.

He needed to think and work this out before his head exploded.

* * *

"Arghh!" Chandler let out his frustration as he walked into the girls' apartment later that day.

"You ok buddy?" Ross asked with a frown.

"Is Monica here?" he asked, only able to see the other four but knowing that didn't rule out a sudden appearance.

"Nooo," Rachel said curiously, "She's out. What's going on?"

"I can't get this thing out of my head!" he admitted, pacing as the others shared looks.

"The 'you and Monica' thing?" Joey asked.

"Yep, that thing. We talked this morning and-"

"You talked?" Phoebe gushed excitedly. "About your feelings?"

"No," he shook his head annoyed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "We talked about Kathy and then she said some things which totally counteracted my earlier arguments."

"What things?" Ross asked.

"That she basically knows me," he muttered, a soft smile touching his lips for the briefest of moments before he sighed heavily. "My biggest reason for not considering this was hurting her. I didn't want to risk ruining what we have. I thought if we got together I'd mess it up, destroy our friendship and lose her...but now..." he trailed off.

"She knows you better than anyone and still wants to be with you, man," Joey pointed out.

"And Chandler," Rachel walked over to him, standing in front of him and meeting his eyes, "you realize that makes no sense. You don't want to be with her in case you break up and break her heart but by not being with her you're probably breaking her heart anyway. Especially if you eventually meet someone and settle down and that someone isn't her."

He bit his lips, staring into her eyes as her words sunk in.

"I hadn't thought of that either," he confessed, quietly, swallowing as the room went silent, all eyes on him.

He felt unsettled, so unsure. Was he wrong about all of this? He needed to know more if he was actually going to consider this. He couldn't base all this on two little diary entries that he hadn't even seen with his own eyes. No, he needed to be sure that this was what she really wanted, that it wasn't a passing crush or something silly. That she really wanted him and was prepared to risk their friendship...and that he wanted her too.

Abruptly he pushed past Rachel and practically ran into Monica's bedroom. Sharing bemused looks the others hurriedly followed, watching as he made a bee-line to her chest of drawers, opening the top drawer and pulled out the diary.

The diary that had started all this.

"Uh Chandler?" Ross asked.

"I need to read more," he said determinately. "I can't do all this, can't risk this, if it's not what she really wants."

Phoebe clapped her hands together excitedly, "So you want this now? You're considering it? You and Monica? This is so great."

He nodded, his head still spinning but the knot in his gut was loosening slightly, proving he was on the right path.

With a deep breath, preparing himself for what might be the dumbest decision he'd ever made he opened her diary. Turning to the last page, seeing that it had been updated since the last time they'd been in this room.

He started to read it silently only for Phoebe to tut and stand behind him, reading it aloud over his shoulders to the others.

 _I'm starting to get a little worried about Chandler- he's acting odd. It's hard to describe really, he's still around all the time and still does that gorgeous smile of his and makes lots of jokes but something isn't quite right. Those baby blues seem more guarded, perhaps? And he's clearly not sleeping well._

 _The others are acting a little strange too, trying to share looks with him but he's ignoring them. I'm just not sure what's going on._

 _The worse thing is he's pulling away from me, I can feel it. I don't know what's caused this and I certainly don't remember doing anything to upset him or reveal my feelings for him. I mean, I've been keeping this a secret for almost a year so I can't see how I would have slipped up._

 _So, I can only imagine something going on in that mind of his that's freaking him out. I know I shouldn't push, I know Chandler and I know that when he's ready he'll seek me out. I know this but it still hurts right now that he seems to be avoiding me. I miss cuddling with him, laying with my feet in his lap and just being close. I miss our time._

 _Like it was Ross' birthday last night and Chandler didn't sit next to me at dinner like normal. He didn't volunteer a dance with me. He didn't offer me his jacket or pull me into a hug to warm me up while we waited for our cabs. And when the cabs turned up he didn't share one with me..._

 _It's all little things and I know he's not my boyfriend so shouldn't have to do any of those things but he always does. It's always so natural between us and those small gestures mean the world to me._

 _I love him so much, why can't he just see that and want to be with me too? Why is he pulling away and why-_

"What the hell's going on?" Five heads whipped around to a shocked Monica who stood in her doorway, clearly trying to comprehend what was happening. "Is that my diary?" she asked incredulous, "Are you guys actually in my bedroom reading my diary? Seriously?"

No one knew what to say. Four people shuffled guiltily wincing, the other stared at her, his mind rapidly processing what he'd just read.

"Mon," Rachel said softly, walking towards her roommate. "We didn't mean to-"

Monica's angry glare cut her off mid-sentence.

"You know what?" Ross quickly said, his eyes shooting from his sister to his best friend,"We'll uh leave you two alone to talk..."

The others enthusiastically nodded at the idea, piling out the room as fast as humanly possible. Rachel pulled the door closed behind them, the soft 'click' sounding deafening.

A heavy silence settled over them, only broken by their harsh breathing.

"Chandler?" When it came her voice was a strange mixture of disbelief, anger, betrayal and hurt as she took a step towards him, her eyes fixed on the diary in his hands. Slowly she reached out, taking the notebook from his fingers, automatically pulling it protectively to her chest."If they got into your room and went through your stuff I'd stop them," she whispered, "I wouldn't let them air your most intimate thoughts out loud to everyone."

He risked looking up at her; she was still staring at him, pain clearly evident in her features as she waited for him to defend his actions. Gave him a chance.

For a moment no words came out. All he could do was stare at her as so many thoughts and emotions crashed through him. This woman, this incredible woman standing in front of him loved him. Not just as a friend but as so much more. It hadn't been a mistake, she truly wanted him insecurities and all and something inside him grabbed hold of that knowledge.

The risk didn't seem as scary now they were here. Standing at the edge of the friendship line, their toes at the very edge of the border, watching as it started to blur a little. All his doubts and fears were still there, swimming around his mind but there in the centre was the realization that he was in love with Monica.

Monica.

Nothing else seemed to matter. It was that simple.

"It's not how it seems," he finally said quietly, sincerely. "Mon, you must know I'd never do that to you."

She nodded, wanting to believe him but she was still hugging herself. "Then why did you? You were holding it open whilst Phoebe read it?" she pleaded, needing to understand.

Chandler took a deep breath, his eyes locking with hers and drawing strength from them.

"Last week, when they were looking for the cookies they found your diary. I tried to stop them, really I did but they wouldn't listen so I played no part in it," he promised. "But, well, given the content I kinda had no choice but to become involved," he swallowed. "I've spent all this week thinking about this."

"Oh," she said quietly, a light blush covering her cheeks, "so it wasn't Kathy keeping you up at night?"

"No," he shook his head, still staring at her.

"Oh," she said again, still staring at him.

Another silence settled over them.

"Mon," his tone was soft and vulnerable, "it's taken me a week to get my head around this. I had no idea you felt this way, it came out of no where and I got scared. What terrifies me about this the most is me screwing it all up and both hurting and losing you in the process," he admitted honesty, taking a step closer to her. "I can't ever lose you, Monica, you're the most important person in my little world and I can't not have you in my life. But the reality is that my relationships never end well... I pretty much suck at them," the corner of his lips curled up in a small smile.

"You don't suck," she argued, taking a step towards him. "I meant what I said this morning. You just haven't found the right relationship, the right woman yet."

They were standing close to one another now and he studied her intently, seeing only love and hope reflected in her eyes. The uneasy feeling he'd carried around all week had completely evaporated leaving him feeling light for the first time.

On instinct, he slowly reached out a hand to tenderly stroke her cheek, watching as she closed her eyes, leaning into his caress.

"What if I have found the right woman?" he asked softly, "What if she was right in front of me this whole time?"

Her eyes remained closed for few long moments as she swallowed hard. Eventually she opened them and was welcomed by his endearing smile as his hand lingered on the soft skin of her face.

"Are you sure?" she whispered fiercely, clearly fighting tears. "Do you mean that?" She sounded weak, worried and Chandler slowly realized that she was just as scared to lose him as he was to lose her.

His face softened as he nodded, bringing his other hand up to lightly frame her face, "Positive."

"I'm not very good at relationships either, Chandler," she confessed. "I want this so much but you have to know that I freak out too and I'm neurotic and I drive people insane and-"

"So neither of us are perfect," he shrugged, "but we both want this?"

She nodded without a doubt.

"Ok, then," he offered her a large smile, "It's agreed, we'll go for this, we'll try a relationship and ensure we look after and maintain each other along the way?"

She let out a breath and couldn't stop a few tears escaping and immediately his thumbs were brushing them away gently.

"I can't believe this is happening," she murmured.

"It's happening," he promised, "it's taken me a while to work it out but we're worth the risk."

They stared into each others eyes, allowing themselves a moment to appreciate what was happening between them. Soon though the atmosphere started to change as they stared at each other, their eyes locked and their breathing speeding up. The air surrounding them became charged with anticipation as they both swallowed.

Still locked in her gaze he slowly leaned forwards, until eventually his eyelids fluttered closed. He tilted her head slightly and moments later their lips touched, an undeniable bolt shooting through each of them at the contact.

They pressed their lips harder, his grip on her tightening slightly and he suppressed a groan as he felt her arms slide around his waist, pulling him closer to her. Their bodies were flush against each other and one hand moved to the back of her head, tangling in her soft hair as they continued to kiss. He didn't know what he had expected, hadn't allowed himself to imagine kissing her. It felt so incredible, so good and just so damn right.

When they broke apart he slowly opened his eyes, relieved at the beaming happy face smiling back at him.

"Hey," he greeted softly, the corners of his eyes creasing as he took in her. His fingers stroking through her hair.

"Hi," she smiled back, her arms still locked firmly around his waist.

"That was some first kiss," he commented, grinning as a cheeky glint entered his eyes, "and oh-" he kissed her again, without warning, a little harder this time and his ego was thoroughly boosted when he heard her make a quiet moan before he pulled away, smiling, "yeah, I was right, that was some second kiss too."

She laughed pulling him tighter as his own arms moved and slipped around her waist, completing the embrace. They stared dopeily at each other for a few long moments as they contemplated the changes happening between them.

"You know, as they were such _good_ kisses," she teased playfully, "I'll have to write about them in my diary," she gestured to the forgotten notepad that had fallen by their feet some time ago.

"Well, if you're going to write about kisses in there you might have to write about other stuff we do," he wiggled his eyebrows and she laughed almost giddy.

"I think you're right," she agreed, "but I'll have to hide it a lot better in case the others try and find it and read it. I think those sort of things should remain between us."

"Well, as I see there being lots to write about in our future... how about I buy you a new diary?" he suggested.

"You don't have to do that," she shook her head.

"I want too," he promised, his thumb stroking her waist causing goosebumps. "I want to buy you a new diary for a new chapter in your life...our lives. It will be great, you can alternate writing between how amazing I am and how much I piss you off you," he grinned, "you can use it to vent about my stupidity."

"It will have to be pretty large then," she chuckled teasingly causing him to smile happily, stealing another kiss from her lips.

"And," he continued, "as there will undoubtedly be lots of kissing and other _fun_ stuff to write about and review..."

"Review?" she laughed.

"Uh huh," he informed her, "And we don't want that getting into the wrong hands..."

"Oh absolutely," she nodded.

"So, I have a plan," his eyes sparkled, "your new diary is going to have a shiny unbreakable padlock attached. Then you can write whatever you want and even if they find it, it can remain private."

She smiled up at him, touched beyond words.

"You're so sweet," she finally smiled, "see you're a natural at this boyfriend thing."

The comment surprised him and he couldn't stop the large smile from spreading across his face, "yeah?"

"Yeah," she promised, her eyes bright. "This thing between us is gonna be pretty great. I can tell."

Having no words, he instead leaned down and claimed her lips again, and again trying to communicate what she meant to him.

It all seemed so simple now, he reflected, like it was clicking into place. He wasn't sure why he'd spent a week trying to fight it, trying to resist her pull as this, them, felt so perfect. Both knew it wouldn't be easy but what relationship worth keeping was? They'd have bumps along the journey, he was sure of that but as long as they held onto one another, Chandler was confident they'd get through it together.

If being with Monica was the prize, then it was definitely worth any risk.

* * *

A/N- I couldn't resist doing a diary one! Cliched I know but it was fun to try!

On a side note sorry I've not been around much recently. I've been frantically packing as we are moving into our new house tomorrow- yeah! We only exchanged on Monday so I'm utterly exhausted but very excited. I'm currently sat surrounded by boxes (I've resisted the urge to build a fort like Ross and Joey) andI should probably still be packing and have waited for this to be edited more but I really wanted to post this before tomorrow as I'll probably be without the net at home for a little while.

Anyhow, I'd love to know your thoughts on this one and would _love_ to read a review or two in-between the chaos! Thanks.


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